Exchange Theory

In class this semester, we have learned a lot about what we expect/should expect from the relationships that we are in.  I have given a lot of thought to this lately as things have changed drastically in my relationship status.  The exchange theory is something that we have discussed as a form of weighing out whether or not something is worth what it costs.  It is a “rational assessment of a situation” where all members try to keep their “costs” lower than their rewards in interaction – “because if a relationship consistently costs us more than it rewards us, we are likely to avoid the person or break the relationship.”  As a couple, we should always be willing to give more than we expect to receive, but this only works as long as both parties are equally committed to doing so.  When both receive the same in a relationship, especially if it is more than they are expecting to receive, both will have a feeling that their costs are lower than their benefits.  I believe that this is the best way to live as a couple, because I have seen both this and other ways of doing it, and this one seems to be the most effective in keeping both parties happy.  This is the way that I hope to live in the future.

Newlywed Christmas Traditions

In class the other day, we discussed Christmas traditions and how they change (ideally) throughout your life time.  When you are a child, your Christmas traditions are those which your parents chose to keep from their childhood along with ones that they added in new for your family.  Then, when you form your own family, most couples want to continue on with the Christmas traditions that they grew up with, but what should really be happen with a new family is the formation of NEW traditions.  New couples should form their own family traditions apart from the traditions of their families.  By doing this, they not only set boundaries from extended family members, but they are able to grow closer together as a couple.  Then as children come into the picture, traditions again change as Santa Claus, etc. is brought into the picture.  Then, as those kids grow up and get married, the process starts again.  I personally think that this lesson was one of the most important that we have learned this past week, because it is one that we will probably all encounter difficulties with somewhere along the way.  I appreciated this advice.

Boundaries

The other day in class we discussed boundaries, specifically those that should be set around newlywed couples, and I was surprised to learn just how strict of boundaries really are necessary to keep your relationship "safe".  This semester, I was engaged for about 4 months - and would have been getting married in 4 days, if boundaries were able to be set between us and his family. I felt a lot of stress from his mom especially when we were engaged, because she was far too involved and opinionated on things that she should have not been concerned about.   I remember the stress of her voicing her dislike for my wedding dress and saying that she was going to sew more fabric onto it even when I didn't want it or need it, and wanting to do the same with my bride's maid dresses, which also didn't need it.  This was also done with numerous other things/plans to the point where I literally felt like I had no control over what I wanted my wedding to be.  This problem would not have escalated to this stature if boundaries would have been set by Brandon, but they were not.  Instead he told me to "stop focusing on that which wasn't important", but what he didn't understand was that this was of importance to me.  And more than anything it was unnecessarily stressful.  Boundaries should have been set, and none were.  Boundaries were not something that he was willing to draw in our wedding planning, and because of that I feel that they would not be drawn later on in our relationship either with things like raising kids, needing space, etc.  Our teacher said in class that he thinks that couples should have a barbed wire boundary around themselves to keep others almost completely out for a little while.  I completely agree with this, because I have seen first hand how a lack of boundaries can completely destroy a relationship, and I am glad that I now know, for future reference, how to do it better next time.

Early Marriage Adjustments

In class we have obviously learned a lot about marriage, and the fact that marriage in it's early stages of development is not always easy.  We read an article in preparation for class a few weeks ago that discussed the adjustments that should be made in early marriage in order to have a greater chance for success as a couple.  The article focuses not only on the fact that newlyweds will have to continue dealing with normal life, but they will also have to deal with new debts, housework, etc.  In order to make the most of this new life together, the couple must learn to relate to each other positively and with much patience (as they will throughout their entire marriage).  The article then goes on to discuss the importance of sex within marriage, and the strength and unity that it brings to a couple.  I feel that this part was especially important for us as LDS students to hear, because we are always told to avoid it like the plague and then when we are married we are kind of just thrown right into marriage where there (ideally) will be expectations of having sex. I feel that it is good for us as unwed members of the Church (men and women) to be reminded that sex is a necessary building block to a healthy marriage, and that without it, a marriage will fail.

Marital Communication

For class not too long ago, I watched a video on marital communication called the Love Lab.  I really enjoyed this video and although i was very short and to the point, I believe that the insight within was much too good not to share.  The video is about a couple who has been married for a few years and have pretty  significant disagreements about financial issues, as many of us will probably face in our future (or current) relationships.  According to the video, a "secret" to making love last is to always be ready to resolve conflict as a team. We need to be able to discuss our dreams individually and decide what it will take to get there, together.  We need to be up front about our feelings, and the husband needs to make sure that he is letting his wife also be powerful rather than always taking the initiative to make the major decisions himself.  We need to truly listen to each other and take things one step at a time.  We need to find a dream together and work together to make that dream a reality. I really liked this video because it is something that we will all face at one point or another in our lives (most likely) and I feel that it is important to be prepared for things like this, because if we are not, our relationship with our spouse will most likely suffer.  

Affair Prevention

For class, we were asked to read an article pertaining to affair prevention, and although it was not really anything that I have been concerned about before, the insight that it offered was really profound and very much appreciated.  The article prefaces the information about affair prevention by saying that “being faithful to our spouse requires much more than fidelity.” Much, much more. What many don't know is that an affair doesn’t have to be strictly physical; it can be emotional as well and based solely on fantasies about another person, or pornographic images. And as a spouse becomes sexually/emotionally involved with any one of these, an affair has begun, and as a result, a rift begins to form between them and their spouses and families.  It is a subtle process that does not begin with adultery but rather thoughts and actions, and because of that, I think it would be wise to actively work on preventing affairs everyday during marriage, by showing love and never doing anything that you would be embarrassed for the other to find out about. By choosing not to live with each other before marriage, a couple also significantly cuts their chances of being destroyed by an affair.  A serious couple will need to be “on guard and fiercely loyal” like the article suggests and put up appropriate walls to protect their marriage from the inside in order to keep their relationship safe.  These are all important things that I will definitely be putting into action when I am married, and I am grateful for the opportunity which we had to learn about them in class.

Mothers at Home

During one of our classes, we were blessed to be able to learn a lot about parental differences and the role of each within the home in regards to family.  Typically within our Church, we feel that the primary role of a mother is to stay home and raise her children, if possible.  Often times however, we lose sight of what is truly important and tend to focus on that which is not, even if our intentions are good.  I'm not saying that a mother who works outside of the home is bad, but rather posing the question, "what is more important?"  For the past few years, my college career has been in preparation for medical school, and the late nights and long hours that were to follow once medical school was done.  However, the older I have gotten, and the more open I have become to change, the more I have realized that, although I thought I could successfully be a mother and a doctor at the same time, I can't.  Realistically, either my job or my children would end up suffering.  Thankfully I was able to come to this realization and change my major to a healthcare profession that is more ideal for a mother who wants to preferably go back to work AFTER her children have grown up before I invested too much, but I’m still glad that in this class we were able to look deeper into the idea of mothers working outside the home and to see what minimal perks it actually has.  Even financially, after paying for childcare and the other costs of keeping kids entertained while they are alone, there really are no benefits, but rather just a long list of significant expenditures.  In my opinion, there is nothing more valuable than the time spent raising your children (if possible), and I believe that any sacrifice should be made in order to make it a possibility.