In class this semester, we have learned a lot about what we expect/should expect from the relationships that we are in. I have given a lot of thought to this lately as things have changed drastically in my relationship status. The exchange theory is something that we have discussed as a form of weighing out whether or not something is worth what it costs. It is a “rational assessment of a
situation” where all members try to keep their “costs” lower than their rewards
in interaction – “because if a relationship consistently costs us more than it
rewards us, we are likely to avoid the person or break the relationship.” As a couple, we should always be willing to give more than we expect to receive, but this only works as long as both parties are equally committed to doing so. When both receive the same in a relationship, especially if it is more than they are expecting to receive, both will have a feeling that their costs are lower than their benefits. I believe that this is the best way to live as a couple, because I have seen both this and other ways of doing it, and this one seems to be the most effective in keeping both parties happy. This is the way that I hope to live in the future.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Newlywed Christmas Traditions
In class the other day, we discussed Christmas traditions and how they change (ideally) throughout your life time. When you are a child, your Christmas traditions are those which your parents chose to keep from their childhood along with ones that they added in new for your family. Then, when you form your own family, most couples want to continue on with the Christmas traditions that they grew up with, but what should really be happen with a new family is the formation of NEW traditions. New couples should form their own family traditions apart from the traditions of their families. By doing this, they not only set boundaries from extended family members, but they are able to grow closer together as a couple. Then as children come into the picture, traditions again change as Santa Claus, etc. is brought into the picture. Then, as those kids grow up and get married, the process starts again. I personally think that this lesson was one of the most important that we have learned this past week, because it is one that we will probably all encounter difficulties with somewhere along the way. I appreciated this advice.
Boundaries
The other day in class we discussed boundaries, specifically those that should be set around newlywed couples, and I was surprised to learn just how strict of boundaries really are necessary to keep your relationship "safe". This semester, I was engaged for about 4 months - and would have been getting married in 4 days, if boundaries were able to be set between us and his family. I felt a lot of stress from his mom especially when we were engaged, because she was far too involved and opinionated on things that she should have not been concerned about. I remember the stress of her voicing her dislike for my wedding dress and saying that she was going to sew more fabric onto it even when I didn't want it or need it, and wanting to do the same with my bride's maid dresses, which also didn't need it. This was also done with numerous other things/plans to the point where I literally felt like I had no control over what I wanted my wedding to be. This problem would not have escalated to this stature if boundaries would have been set by Brandon, but they were not. Instead he told me to "stop focusing on that which wasn't important", but what he didn't understand was that this was of importance to me. And more than anything it was unnecessarily stressful. Boundaries should have been set, and none were. Boundaries were not something that he was willing to draw in our wedding planning, and because of that I feel that they would not be drawn later on in our relationship either with things like raising kids, needing space, etc. Our teacher said in class that he thinks that couples should have a barbed wire boundary around themselves to keep others almost completely out for a little while. I completely agree with this, because I have seen first hand how a lack of boundaries can completely destroy a relationship, and I am glad that I now know, for future reference, how to do it better next time.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Early Marriage Adjustments
In class we have obviously learned a lot about marriage, and the fact that marriage in it's early stages of development is not always easy. We read an article in preparation for class a few weeks ago that discussed the adjustments that should be made in early marriage in order to have a greater chance for success as a couple. The article focuses not only on the fact that newlyweds will have to continue dealing with normal life, but they will also have to deal with new debts, housework, etc. In order to make the most of this new life together, the couple must learn to relate to each other positively and with much patience (as they will throughout their entire marriage). The article then goes on to discuss the importance of sex within marriage, and the strength and unity that it brings to a couple. I feel that this part was especially important for us as LDS students to hear, because we are always told to avoid
it like the plague and then when we are married we are kind of just thrown right
into marriage where there (ideally) will be expectations of having sex. I feel that it is good for us as unwed members of the Church (men and women) to be reminded that sex is a necessary building block to a healthy marriage, and that without it, a marriage will fail.
Marital Communication
For class not too long ago, I watched a video on marital communication called the Love Lab. I really enjoyed this video and although i was very short and to the point, I believe that the insight within was much too good not to share. The video is about a couple who has been married for a few years and have pretty significant disagreements about financial issues, as many of us will probably face in our future (or current) relationships. According to the video, a "secret" to making love last is to always be ready to resolve conflict as a team. We need to be able to discuss our dreams individually
and decide what it will take to get there, together.
We need to be up front about our feelings, and the husband needs to make sure that he is letting his wife also be powerful
rather than always taking the initiative to make the major decisions himself. We need to truly listen to each other and take
things one step at a time. We need to
find a dream together and work together to make that dream a reality. I really
liked this video because it is something that we will all face
at one point or another in our lives (most likely) and I feel that it is
important to be prepared for things like this, because if we are not, our
relationship with our spouse will most likely suffer.
Affair Prevention
For class, we were asked to read an article pertaining to affair prevention, and although it was not really anything that I have been concerned about before, the insight that it offered was really profound and very much appreciated. The article prefaces the information about affair prevention by saying that “being faithful to our spouse requires much more than
fidelity.” Much, much more. What many don't know is that an affair
doesn’t have to be strictly physical; it can be emotional as well and based
solely on fantasies about another person, or pornographic images. And as a spouse becomes sexually/emotionally involved with any one of these, an affair has begun, and as a result, a rift begins to form between them and their spouses and families. It is a subtle
process that does not begin with adultery but rather thoughts and actions, and because of that, I think it would be wise to actively work on
preventing affairs everyday during marriage, by showing love and never doing anything that you would be embarrassed for the other to find out about. By choosing not to live with each other before marriage, a couple also significantly cuts their chances of being destroyed by an affair. A serious couple will
need to be “on guard and fiercely loyal” like the article suggests and put up appropriate
walls to protect their marriage from the inside in order to keep their relationship safe.
These are all important things that I will definitely be putting into
action when I am married, and I am grateful for the opportunity which we had to learn about them in class.
Mothers at Home
During one of our classes, we were blessed to
be able to learn a lot about parental differences and the role of each within the home in regards to family. Typically within our Church, we feel that the primary role of a mother is to stay home and raise
her children, if possible. Often times however, we lose sight of what is truly important and tend to focus on that which is not, even if our intentions are good. I'm not saying that a mother who works outside of the home is bad, but rather posing the question, "what is more important?" For the past few years, my college career has been in preparation for medical school, and the late nights and long hours that were to follow once medical school was done. However, the older I have gotten, and the more open I have become to change, the more I have realized that, although I thought I could successfully be a mother and a doctor at the same time, I can't. Realistically, either my job or my children would end up suffering. Thankfully I was able to come to this realization and change my major to a healthcare profession that is more ideal for a mother who wants to preferably go back to work AFTER her children have grown up before I invested too much, but I’m still glad that in this class we were able to
look deeper into the idea of mothers working outside the home and to see what minimal perks it actually has. Even financially, after paying for childcare and the other costs of keeping kids entertained while they are alone, there really are no benefits, but rather just a long list of significant expenditures. In my opinion, there is nothing more valuable than the time spent raising your children (if possible), and I believe that any sacrifice should be made in order to make it a possibility.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Blog Post #6
Last week we discussed in class how couples who decide to cohabitate have more of a tendency to abuse each other than those who marry then move in together. I found this to be very interesting, yet not very surprising. Through the course of this class, I have learned that people who cohabitate have a higher risk of a lot of situations which are not preferable. I feel for the children of people to decide to cohabitate. Broken homes are more common and abuse is rampant. Nobody wants to be raised in an environment like that. I am very grateful for the Church's stance on marriage and cohabitation. Our children deserve more. They deserve the best, and the best thing that we can provide them with is a family which is strong and united and lawfully wed without abuse or other social/emotional downfalls.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Family Relations post #4
Family Relations Post #3
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Family Relations Post #2
The other day in class we discussed how the family works together as a functional (hopefully) unit and were asked to start brainstorming what our personal families behave like. I am a Dental Hygiene major and so, of course, I pictured my family working together much like all of the elements of the mouth work together on a daily basis. I pictured my mom as the maxillary (upper part of the mouth) arch, because usually the mother in the family has a major influence on the father, who I pictured as the mandibular (lower part of the mouth) arch. Both are just as important, it's just that the lower part of the mouth is more apt to "move" when the upper is not. The upper is more set in place, and is therefore not as apt to move when "disagreements" or differences in ideas come into the picture. My mother is a very sweet woman, but she is definitely the backbone of the family. The upper and lower are joined together by the TMJ joint (the strongest joint in the body)...it is VERY hard to break (much like my parent's relationship). It may get a little painful sometimes, but it is even stronger with use that it was 28 years ago (much like the muscles of our own TMJ joints). My parents have been married for many years and are stronger together than ever. They have 4 children who love them, and a nephew who we all love as well. Each of us also contribute to the anatomy of our family "mouth". My older sister is 26 and has always been very grounded. She is the one who keeps us all in line if things ever get crazy, (which they seldom do), and for that reason I picture her as the Frenulum Linguae, or "the attachment under the tongue"...this attachment makes sure that the tongue movements do not get "too wild", and in the case of our family, influences us younger kids to not say things to each other that we would later regret. My little sister would be considered the incisors (the front four teeth) because she is such a go getter, and is quite influential and inspiring to our family. These are the teeth that are used to "take the first bite", and she definitely does that when it comes to her life. My brother is 19 and I would consider him to be the occlusal surface of the teeth (the top surface). This is the portion of the teeth that grinds the food after the incisors rip it off. I would consider him to be this, because of his dedication to things which he is not always interested in doing but which are good. If there is something to be done; work, school, etc. he takes on the "daily grind" no matter what. And then there is Caden, my little nephew who is almost a year old. He is the tongue, the center of us all. We LOVE him more than ANYTHING! And then there is the gospel of Jesus Christ, the element that keeps us strong. I would consider that to be calcium - strengthens all of us and allows us to better fulfill our duties as a family. As much as I love teeth, I love my family and the gospel WAY more, I would be nothing without them and I am very grateful and blessed to be able to strengthen my testimony of both through the teachings of this class.
The other day in class we discussed how the family works together as a functional (hopefully) unit and were asked to start brainstorming what our personal families behave like. I am a Dental Hygiene major and so, of course, I pictured my family working together much like all of the elements of the mouth work together on a daily basis. I pictured my mom as the maxillary (upper part of the mouth) arch, because usually the mother in the family has a major influence on the father, who I pictured as the mandibular (lower part of the mouth) arch. Both are just as important, it's just that the lower part of the mouth is more apt to "move" when the upper is not. The upper is more set in place, and is therefore not as apt to move when "disagreements" or differences in ideas come into the picture. My mother is a very sweet woman, but she is definitely the backbone of the family. The upper and lower are joined together by the TMJ joint (the strongest joint in the body)...it is VERY hard to break (much like my parent's relationship). It may get a little painful sometimes, but it is even stronger with use that it was 28 years ago (much like the muscles of our own TMJ joints). My parents have been married for many years and are stronger together than ever. They have 4 children who love them, and a nephew who we all love as well. Each of us also contribute to the anatomy of our family "mouth". My older sister is 26 and has always been very grounded. She is the one who keeps us all in line if things ever get crazy, (which they seldom do), and for that reason I picture her as the Frenulum Linguae, or "the attachment under the tongue"...this attachment makes sure that the tongue movements do not get "too wild", and in the case of our family, influences us younger kids to not say things to each other that we would later regret. My little sister would be considered the incisors (the front four teeth) because she is such a go getter, and is quite influential and inspiring to our family. These are the teeth that are used to "take the first bite", and she definitely does that when it comes to her life. My brother is 19 and I would consider him to be the occlusal surface of the teeth (the top surface). This is the portion of the teeth that grinds the food after the incisors rip it off. I would consider him to be this, because of his dedication to things which he is not always interested in doing but which are good. If there is something to be done; work, school, etc. he takes on the "daily grind" no matter what. And then there is Caden, my little nephew who is almost a year old. He is the tongue, the center of us all. We LOVE him more than ANYTHING! And then there is the gospel of Jesus Christ, the element that keeps us strong. I would consider that to be calcium - strengthens all of us and allows us to better fulfill our duties as a family. As much as I love teeth, I love my family and the gospel WAY more, I would be nothing without them and I am very grateful and blessed to be able to strengthen my testimony of both through the teachings of this class.
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